016. What is Your Attachment Style?
Growing up, we learn how to be in relationship with other people from our parents or our primary caregivers. Understanding our attachment style can help us form healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
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How do you relate to others and form relationships with them? In order to understand how you do or don’t, it is helpful to learn about attachment styles. There are four attachment styles. The main distinction here is secure and insecure. If we have a secure attachment style, it is easy for us to be in relationship with others, we feel comfortable with intimacy and sharing our feelings. If we have an insecure attachment style, we are either anxious, avoidant or disorganized when it comes to relating to others and forming relationships.
The good news is: Our attachment style is not set in stone and we can all learn to attach to others in a secure way. In the episode, I share some ways to heal each of those attachment styles.
Secure Attachment
Someone with a secure attachment likely experienced predictable, consistent behavior of their parents or primary caregivers. They come from a family where there was an emphasis on relationship and have experienced justice, fairness and sensitivity in their family. They love to collaborate and work with others. They read people well. Secure attachers feel comfortable with intimacy and sharing their feelings without constantly stressing about it. They strike the ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.
Anxious Attachment
A person with an anxious attachment style experienced inconsistency and confusing behavior from their parents or smothering and enmeshment with a primary caregiver. Anxious attachers feel a great deal with their emotions. They have felt rejected or turned away by one or both parents and find it hard to shift from interacting to being alone. They over-express and like to talk about all the details. Someone with an anxious attachment style often bonds too quickly and doesn't really evaluate whether their partner can meet their needs. They think they are too much and nobody can tolerate them and constantly wonder: Does my partner love me?
Avoidant Attachment
Someone with an avoidant attachment style experienced dismissive and emotionally unavailable parents or primary caregivers. Avoidants like to be alone and enjoy their own space. They have been raised to be self-sufficient and tend to avoid people. They learn early on not to depend on people and not turn to others for soothing or stimulation. They find it hard to shift from being alone to interacting. They under-express their thoughts and feelings and value their independence and autonomy more than the relationship. They might feel threatened about any partner's attempts to control them or limit their autonomy and freedom in any way and will likely retreat when they do.
Disorganized Attachment
A person with a disorganized attachment style likely experienced both inconsistency and dismissive and emotionally unavailable parents. That person grew up in chaos and a constant state of terror, always walking on eggshells, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. In relationships they have a go here go away energy and experience fear and anxiety. This attachment style usually is a result of deep trauma. In order to heal, disorganized attachers have to heal their childhood trauma.
Let me support you in healing your attachment wounds. If you are curious about 1:1 coaching with me, you can apply here and we can jump on a call to see if we’re a fit!
