018. Your Triggers Are Yours
As humans, we are relational beings. The actions of others might bring up emotions within ourselves. Processing those triggers is our personal responsibility.
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What is a trigger? A trigger occurs when you are in a situation that reminds you of something that happened in your past or brings up emotions. Triggers can come up both in the context of trauma, but also just as emotions.
The message I have for you: your triggers are yours.
When something comes up for you, when somebody does something, says something, or doesn't do or say something, what it brings up in you is yours. It's your responsibility to understand and to navigate. Yes, that other person has their behavior, but the reaction, what it brings up in you, the trigger is yours. It's not about blaming or criticizing or putting it on the other person. It's taking radical responsibility for your life, because you are the common denominator in everything that's happening in your life.
With that, I want to teach you a tool that you can use when you're navigating conflict or difficult relationships. It’s a four step process called Non-Violent Communication (Marshall B. Rosenberg).
The first step is observe versus evaluating. The second step is you want to state your feelings. The third step is you want to communicate what you need. And the fourth step is making a request.
Observation
Often when we describe a situation we are evaluating what happened. In non-violent communication, we want to make an observation. You can imagine it like what a video camera would record. You can ask yourself, if I wouldn't judge the situation, if I wouldn't bring my opinions and my evaluations into this situation, what just happened?
Feelings
How does what you observed make you feel? A feeling is a sensation you can experience in your body like joy or anger. You can feel those in your body. Often when we talk about our feelings we are making it about the other person. So we might say “I feel disrespected… by you.” Whenever you can add “by you,” it's an indication that you're not describing a feeling, but are evaluating the other persons behaviour. Some examples of feelings are sad, hurt, angry (when a boundary has been crossed), shame, joy, and excitement.
Needs
The heart of non-violent communication is addressing unmet needs. So, what do you need? Maybe it’s to feel connected, to feel heard, or to feel seen.
Request
Lastly, make a powerful request around your needs. It might be asking to have a conversation around the conflict, it might be around the specific situation and how the other person can meet your need. A request is not a demand, it allows the other person to say no. So when you're making a request, the energy that you're coming from is, this is what I need, would you be willing to give that to me?
If you want to learn more about non-violent communication, get the book by Marshall B. Rosenberg or watch his free training on YouTube. It is such a powerful tool.
I also use this tool with my clients and help them navigate difficult situations in their relationships and in the work place. If you are curious about 1:1 coaching with me, you can apply here and we can jump on a call to see if we’re a fit!
